I’ve had a tough night. No disrespect intended to my friends, but I couldn’t cope with being with them in the pub tonight. I had strong feelings of inadequacy and a sense of not belonging to the group. My old friend Depression turned up, so we left and went home.
When people commit suicide it’s not uncommon to hear their friends and family say that they never saw it coming. When you suffer from depression it can be impossible to relate how you truly feel to ‘normal’ folks. So it’s easier to put on a mask and make-believe, for their sake as much as yours (so I believe), that you’re ‘good’, ‘fine’, ‘OK’ and so on… That’s why they don’t see it coming.
I’m not suicidal, far from it, but I’m not OK either despite what I say to you. It’s a cunning facade, built to deflect and defend awkward questions. But the cat’s out the bag now, I suppose. Crohn’s Disease, food intolerances and depression make almost every day a lonely embarrassing struggle, but the good days remind me what life can be about and that helps me shuffle on in the hope that on the future I’ll have more days like that than not.
I hope you’re having a decent day; I’m almost certainly not, but maybe tomorrow will be better.