8 weeks on…

It’s been close to 8 weeks since I had a life-changing operation to fix a problem that’s been with me for 4 years. Reading back my last post, right before going into hospital, I can see how anxious I was!

And I was pretty scared. I remember lying on the bed waiting to be knocked out and not being able to control my shaking. 8 weeks later and I still have an uncertain future.

The first couple of weeks were, literally, agony. My life revolved around lying in bed watching Netflix, taking medication (3 different painkillers, an antibiotic, an incontinence pill, and mild laxatives, not to mention anti blood clotting and anti nausea jags in hospital), eating and emptying the catheter bag. Having the catheter was probably the single most regularly painful and inconvenient thing to deal with over 2 weeks. The relief when it came out was amazing!

But that was only one thing dealt with. I had another 3 or 4 weeks of poor sleep, regular pain and generally sitting around looking at the best weather of the year (so far) from inside the house.

I don’t think anything prepares you for how slow recovery from major surgery can be. I was told 6-8 weeks for pretty much full recovery, but while things are certainly much much better now than, say, 7 weeks ago, I still feel a long way off being recovered. I think this has been the hardest part: dealing with expectations of what I should vs. what I am feeling like.

Dealing with pain on a regular basis (I still am, but manage without painkillers now), poor sleep, boredom, physical inactivity, and (despite my wonderful friends visiting regularly) a lack of human interaction day-to-day all takes somewhat of a mental toll. It’s hard to pick oneself back up, shake off the beating and get back to something resembling a ‘normal’ life.

Added to this, I am not certain the operation has – or will – fully resolved the problem. I’m certainly very concerned about one aspect, and while I try and ignore it, it’s almost impossible to do so. I will see the surgeon in a couple of months to review this, so there’s still time yet for improvement.

In the meantime, this is my last week booked off work, and I’ve been up and about trying to get back into the swing of leading a normal active life. Being back at work will help; it will certainly keep me extremely busy, and I’m looking forward to not being on my own for large parts of the day.

So, onward, and hopefully upward. The adage of ‘one step at a time’ feels appropriate here. As does ‘keep on trucking’.


A new chapter starts today

When I wrote this post originally, it was full of self-pity. I haven’t written a particularly personal blog post in a while. Partly because I’m generally pretty happy, and partly because, frankly, who wants to hear about my problems?

But I’ve got a lot to pity myself about today, hence the post. Today I’m going for life-changing surgery. An operation which will, I hope, let me have sex again for the first time in 4 years. But it’s not without its risks, and it’s a long road to recovery, with no guarantee of success. It’s been a lonely journey to this point, as I’m sure you can imagine, and when I first wrote this down I complained that I’d wasted 4 years of my life. Alone and incapable of intimacy.

But then I had a conversation with a very good friend of mine. She said to me: “You’re the strongest person I know“. This was followed up by telling me what a dick I’d been to her, but that’s another story…

I’ve never thought of myself as strong though. I’m really scared about this operation. Not the terror that comes with standing on the edge of a cliff, but the relentless certainty that my body, and my life, will never been the same again. But really, I suppose this is what people with chronic illnesses like me face on a regular basis. I honestly don’t think you have much choice but to be strong in order to cope with the fact that your life will never be the same as it was. You either make the decision to do what you can with your life and have the strength to cope with the day-to-day shit you have to put up with, or you give up and live it in misery and despair. Or worse. Perhaps for some this isn’t a choice they can actually make, since the mind often plays dirty tricks. But that is, again, another story.

My friend also reminded me that I’ve done an amazing amount in the past 4 years. I’ve made many new friends, nearly finished gaining my doctorate, visited wonderful places, done cool new things, and embraced a new hobby. I’ve done all this on my own, with the strength I have, and actually for most of that I’ve not felt that I needed support, although sometimes it would’ve been really nice to share some of these experiences with someone special.

But today marks the start of a new chapter in my life (what a cliché!). After the operation, assuming it all goes well and I recover nicely over the next couple of months, I’ll be (sort of) back to normal. That is to say: I’ll still be a slightly socially awkward ginger kid, with a weird Scottish/West Country accent and low self esteem. But at least everything will work again. Hopefully it’s like riding a bike; once you’ve learned, you don’t forget how! Not that I’ve ridden a bike much in the past few years either, but that’s another story 😉 Wish me luck.

21 musical nostalgia trips from the 2000’s

After reading a Buzzfeed article on 17 nu-metal tracks you secretly love, and thinking it was a bit shit, I thought I’d put some vids up here for songs which defined my musical tastes in my early 20’s. This was the stuff I was dancing/skanking/moshing to in clubs like The Mission and the Citrus Club in Edinburgh every week.

It’s a whole world away now, but most of my CD’s and Minidiscs (I know, right!) are made up of this! It’s slightly embarrassing admitting to enjoying some of these songs, but probably not half as embarrassing as admitting I used to wear a black Linkin Park hoodie, or that I wore a t-shirt to clubs which said “Fred Durst is a cunt”…

Anyway, enjoy! 🙂

Happy Birthday Forth Bridge!

Today marks the 125th anniversary of the iconic Forth Bridge’s official opening on the 4th of March, 1890. She’s a magnificent structure. According to the BBC Scotland New site this morning, the BBC have received more photos of the bridge than any other Scottish location. And Scotland is stunning, so I think that shows the allure of the structure!

It doesn’t have the longest span of any cantilevered bridge in the world (that record goes to the Quebec Bridge) but it is definitely the prettiest.

I can’t claim that the Bridge has always been part of my life, but some of my earliest memories are of the view from my granny’s house in Dalmeny, where you could see both bridges from her kitchen window. My parents grew up round Dalmeny and South Queensferry, and it’s a place that I suppose will always be part of home in a little way to me.

Forth Rail Bridge 2

I’ve taken a few photos of the Bridge over the years myself, including during a recent incredible sunset, but yesterday I got a fresh and rare perspective. As part of the 125th anniversary celebrations, Network rail offered 250 tickets for members of the public to be taken up to the top of the North tower of the Forth Bridge. All of the money raised – some £30,000 – went to The Prince’s Trust, a charity which helps disadvantaged young people get their lives back on track.

So I bought my ticket last year, although to be honest I felt more like Charlie winning a golden ticket to see inside Wonka’s Chocolate Factory when I showed up yesterday. After a quick safety talk and some history about the Bridge, and a short ride up in the hoist on the outside of the North tower, the reward is a breathtaking view of not only the surrounding landscape (including Edinburgh, North and South Queensferry), but also of the Bridge herself. She really is a work of art, as well as a feat of Victorian engineering.

Forth Rail Bridge 5 min exposure

Many thanks to Network Rail for their organisation, and they clearly love their bridge. It was an incredible experience, and all down to them. And well done to them too for raising so much money for The Prince’s Trust!

So these are the views from the top. It was windy, cold and inbetween flurries of snow, but then it is Scotland so what else was I expecting! More photos are on my Flickr page: https://www.flickr.com/photos/gingerfox/

Many happy returns of the day to our beloved Forth Bridge; here’s to another 125 years!

Forth Bridge 125-00150

Forth Bridge 125-00135

Forth Bridge 125-00081

Forth Bridge 125-1

Forth Bridge 125-00141

Forth Bridge 125-00116

Right place, right time

Saturday night was pretty special. If you had looked out the window anywhere in Scotland at about 5pm, you would have been treated to the most incredible sunset.

The colours in the sky were simply phenomenal, but even better was being down by the water at the same time. It was such a still night that the brilliant pinks, purples and reds were reflected back up at you giving the most surreal and ethereal experience. I feel lucky to have been down by the Firth of Forth to witness it, since I’ve been holed up in an office for the past month, and even luckier to have a decent camera with me.

I was with a group of folk on a photography workshop run by Grant Ritchie of Real Edinburgh. We were learning to use graduated and neutral density filters to give elements of our images a bit more contrast, and to play about with smoothing the water surface by taking long exposures. About 2hrs in and BAM! Phenomenal sunset! We all shot some amazing images, not least Grant who’s photo of the Forth Rail Bridge (link opens on Facebook) has been viewed over 750,000 times on Facebook so far. It’s a corker, and he absolutely deserves it!

What I didn’t realise, though, was that I was in for my own bit of personal success. I posted this photo to my personal Facebook page, to Flickr, Instagram, and Twitter, and emailed it to the BBC News Scotland team.

Forth Rail Bridge Sunset

From that spree of sharing, I ended up with the most likes on Facebook of any photo I’ve ever posted; within 24hrs on Flickr the photo’s picked up nearly 11,900 views, 480 faves, and a host of new followers ; BBC News Scotland included it in their special gallery of Saturday’s sunset photos but also used it as the leading image on their front page (see below); and the Daily Mail asked to print it in today’s paper (although didn’t in the end).

BBC News 08.02.15
BBC News Scotland front page at 10pm 8th Feb 2015

It’s not even that good! I mean, the colours are fantastic, but compositionally it could be a lot better, and it suffers from some other technical flaws. But that doesn’t matter, I love it, and seems a whole lot of you do to. Right place, right time. And a tiny bit of skill to bag the shot 😉

Yours, with a big-heid for a few days,

Mining a rich seam for blog posts

I’ve just finished reading Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? by Philip K Dick. I should really say re-reading, as I first read the sci-fi classic (and basis for Ridley Scott’s Blade Runner) back in 1996/97 for my Higher English Review of Personal Reading.

As a rule I only read books once. I’ve broken that three times though with: The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, and Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?. It was a very odd experience going back to a book I’d first read as a teenager nearly 20 years ago. Firstly, the influence of the film weighed heavily on my impression of what the book was/was not about, and secondly having written about it for a school subject I was positive certain things happened in it which transpired not to be the case!

Which leads me to this rich seam of blog posts which I found on my computer: my English, History and Computing reports written c. 1995-97, and my UCAS personal statement c. 1997. They’re mostly about 1,000 – 1,800 words long, and a rather embarrassing window into the life of my precocious teenage years. Ideal blog fodder then!

At some point you’ll bear witness to my musings on CD-ROM technology, censorship of internet pornography, media attitudes to videogames, and various essays on 1984, Hamlet, etc. In the meantime, I’ll leave you with this wee gem from my S4 Research Project titled: What are the effects of computer/video games on the general public?

It was claimed in the newspaper that [Endorfun] was a new form of taking drugs: instead of injecting drugs into your blood stream, you could just sit in front of your screen and you could get the same experience.  Now I can tell you that I have played this game and in no way did it make me feel good about myself at all.  In fact after a while I began to feel nauseous because of the colours, but that was as far as the game went to introduce a new experience.

Kit, age 15.

2014 in Photos

I’ve been using a DSLR camera since 2006, but 2014 was definitely the year that I really started to treat photography more seriously as a hobby. My skill progression has been pretty flat since first bought my Sony A100, but now that I’ve embraced RAW files, Lightroom and Photoshop I can create some really nice images. Never perfect, and to a standard below most amateur photographers I follow, but I consider myself very much a beginner still with lots to learn!

Anyhoo…here’s a look back at some of my favourite photos from 2014; my coming-of-age year of photography. You can click the photos to go through to the full-size version on Flick, and my entire photostream is here: https://www.flickr.com/photos/gingerfox/

Falls of Bruar 9

Edinburgh Aurora Feb 27/28th


Newhaven Harbour sunset


Salisbury Crags

Granton Harbour

North Esk Reservoir

Oosterdok, Amsterdam

God rays

Forth Road Bridge sunset

Sunrise over the Forth

Crescent moon setting over Princes Street

Red Arrows

Vennel Fireworks

Newhaven lighthouse

New York October 2014-18.jpg

San Francisco October 2014-17.jpg

San Francisco October 2014-6.jpg

Torridon Waterfalls

Storr and Sheep.jpg

Fairy Pools, Skye

Arthur's Seat from the Scott Monument

All the fun of the Hogmanay Fair